"I had a dream... I had everything I wanted..."

Dear Mom,


You've asked several times how the Husbandly One is doing, and every time, I slowly blink, breathe, and calmly remind you that he passed away in November. You're devastated for a few fleeting minutes, tell me you understand because Daddy is gone and you miss him. And then you ask how my husband is doing... again.

You can't help it. You only have a vague idea how old you are (you're 92) and are having a harder and harder time keeping the names of your daughters straight. But since I lost the Husbandly One, I find myself wishing I could ask you how the hell you did it? How did you survive the loss of your husband, the man you'd been married to for 65 years? Because it's all I can do to make it through each day. It feels like I have a hole in my chest, like someone has punched a hole right through me and it's so empty and it hurts. I'm so broken, Mom, so broken and I don't know if it'll ever heal.

I remember thinking that maybe the Alzheimer's is a blessing. Your decline accelerated after Daddy died, and within the year, my sisters and I made the decision that you couldn't live alone anymore. After THO was diagnosed with cancer and I faced the prospect of losing him, and how massively distracted I was, I can see how it happened. You can only spend so much time in a state of perpetual panic before it starts to wear you down. And I'm pretty sure you were in a perpetual state of panic while Dad was ill.

Maybe not being able to remember would be a blessing. You'd still have a hole in your chest, but you wouldn't remember why it was there. You'd get used to it and maybe remember you lost something, feel compelled to look for it, but get distracted by something else and forget until something reminded you of the hole again. I wish I could talk to you about this. I wish you could comfort me. I miss my Mom.


love,

 Jo